About ten, fifteen years ago, at a BBQ with lots of food and some alcohol, a friend of mine asked me if I would date -or sleep with a black man. I didn’t hesitate, answered quickly -and without thinking- “No, I would not date a black man or sleep with a black man.”
“I guess that means you are a racist,” he said and I didn’t know what to respond. My brain didn’t comprehend -neither did I. I had stepped into a trap and now I was stuck.
I am not a racist. Never have been, never will be. Yet, somehow that night I got brand-marked to be one.
What I said was the truth then and now, but it goes much deeper than that. It’s actually rather simple. I cannot picture dating any man. I am with my husband since decades, and dating anybody else is something I simply cannot imagine.
The question if I would date a black man nagged on me for years. Would I? And if not, why? Because I am happily married. That’s why. I have never fantasies to be with another man. Even our running joke about Brad Pitt having car trouble in front of our home was just a joke.
I had three relationships in my life. Five, if you count preschool and Kindergarten. Two of them at a very young age, before I met and married Mr. Right.
I am white and not ashamed to be white, but I am ashamed of a lot of things people with my skin color do -or have done. Just like I am proud to be a European mountain girl, yet there is lots to be unhappy about if you look at WWII.
Bad chapters in history have been written by people of my skin color. Good history too, but we cannot mention them, at least not here in the US.
My older neighbor next door, who happens to be a conservative white Christian lady, is tired of all the mixed couple they “shuffle down our throat’s” on TV now. Every series has to have a bi-racial couple to be in. I noticed it too. Most TV series are trying very hard to be full of political messages these days, and I am tired of it. I watch TV to escape reality for a bit. I try to walk away from all the negativity for just a little while.
Not being willing to date a black man makes me a racist! Not being willing to date any man makes me happily married.
So, I take it I am a happily married racist? (Horse hockey)
My first heroes and celebrity crushes all look like me. From David Cassidy, to David Hasselhoff. From Dustin Hoffman to Phillip Seymour Hoffman -all white like me. Isn’t it normal?
I am drawn to my own kind, and while it would be alright everywhere in this world, it’s no longer alright in the US.
Whites dating only whites -that’s racism.
Is it really? Or is it just natural to be attracted by what you know? I am biased by my upbringing, by the history of my country, and, my family.
Physical attraction is key for dating -or at least that’s how it was when I was young. I am drawn to Irish looking guys with red cheeks, who aren’t much taller than me. I am attracted to what I know.
There I am, a white woman with racial preferences. How dare I? How come I am not afraid of being labeled a racist, because let’s face it, we all are. We are born that way…and then we learn.
Would I date a Latino, an Asian man, or a gentleman from the Middle East? Probably not for the same reasons.
I am still a happily married racist!
Would they date me? Probably not and for the same reasons.
When it comes to friendship I seem to be drawn to everything that is different from me. I am white and boring, let’s spice it up a bit! I strongly believe that meaningful interactions between different races are ultimately what will bridge the gap between us, and I am closing this gap. My best friend in school was from Beirut, Lebanon. Another friend was from Spain, another one from Norway. Today my friends are a mix of interesting, people with different ski tones and different backgrounds, yet we all have something in common. We are non judgmental and open-minded.
Yet, we all are married to spouses who are like us.
Can you be fully aware of your privilege’s and still like your own race? I am not sure how others feel, but I can. My privileges bring me now into a position that allows me to do something. I can stand up! I can speak up! And so I do.
Do actions make you a racist or believes? Can I not want to date a black man but still protest his rights? Some of the richest people in this world fight the hardest for the rights of the poor, without giving up their own money.
Back to dating. Wouldn’t it be very superficial to say you would date a man because he is black or Asian? A quick-pick by race so to speak. It doesn’t make any sense to me either way.
Why force everything?
The black lady is attracted to a black gentleman and finds whites unattractive. Good for her!
The Asian gentleman is looking for his bride to be from his own country. You go!
The Austrian freckled white woman married an Irish-looking man from the US! Well done, me!
Let’s go away from race and let me ask you a different question.
Can I be for LGBT rights if I know I would never date a lesbian?
Can I support gay marriage, but never be in one?
Most of us will answer these questions truthfully. I am straight, I would never date a lesbian woman or a gay man, however, I support them all the way.
Funny how it works!
My first crush was on Glenn Osaka. Maybe that’s because I was raised around a lot of Japanese-Americans. Here’s a link to my post about Gardena, where I lived up until junior high. I wrote it a long time ago but I think it gives a little insight into my feelings in this regard.
https://hbsuefred.com/2016/04/08/gardena-first-entry-of-my-wip-memoir/
I may be the odd one… I had such a crush on a black boy in school who was so cute! Maybe it is because I knew the person before I was old enough to “notice” he was different from me. He was just a kid in my class… who had the most dreamy eyes!
It seems that so many people nowadays want to experience “righteous indignation” about something. It doesn’t matter what, it just has to salve their need to be annoyed by others’ actions, thoughts, or beliefs. I don’t really care whether someone is LGBTQ……)add any others I may have inadvertently not learned off by heart), or wishes to be known as it, or them, or they, or any of the other real or made up pronouns that are added each day. So long as they do not insist on me, or anyone else, joining in, and so long as they do not harm others, then I am happy for them to get on with their lives as they wish. I am also happy to count people of all colours and creeds, and sexual persuasions, and genders, amongst my friends and acquaintances. We are all humans – that should be enough!
I don’t care about it either, as long as they don’t try to convince me that their lifestyle is something I would try. 🙂
“Righteous Indignation” very good wording to explain our shortcomings as society.
I never would have dated/married a guy who didn’t have his shirt tucked in or his belly hanging out. Or had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.
I did marry a guy who arranges his underwear neatly in his drawer, who insists on drying dishes and putting then neatly in the cupboard and does something funny with the toothpaste tube.
I wish I had known this about him before I said “I do.” 🙁
We all have things that drives our spouses crazy.
we shall overcome …. and drive right back
😅💃🏻
What…you found me funny. 🙂
How could I ever commit that sin 😅
Just happy for my happily married friend 😊
Well said! You make such good points Bridget. Truth!
I have my moments. 🙂
As well said as always. However, I always thought racism was abuse of power – I can’t see its relevance here.
It’s an abuse of power and so much more. Believing you are better and deserve better is a sign of a very bad education as well. I don’t think we can ‘tame’ racism, we can only educate against it.