Santa Sucks!

Santa, in his infinite wisdom, decided to bring me a battery-operated, cordless snow shovel for Christmas.

Santa, who, as you know, I happen to sleep with, sat in his chair and watched me unpack. He grinned from one ear to the other, like he had just won the lottery. I believe in being grateful. One doesn’t complain about a present ever -you return later, after the Holidays- but a cordless, battery-operated snowblower? Seriously?

What was Santa trying to tell me? Am I getting too old to shovel snow? And where was the damn thing when I was a kid?

Nowadays, snow shoveling is exercise and I need my exercise. Calories: If you put too much in, it has to come out and if it doesn’t come out, then you work it off. It’s that simple!

Battery-operated snow shovel? Isn’t it like gifting a vacuum cleaner? Who does that?

My Santa sucks!

It snowed, as expected.

“I charged the battery for the snow shovel,” Santa told me first thing in the morning. Lucky for him, I am not allowed to throw stuff at him. Even over a year after his shoulder surgery, he is still not capable of getting his right arm up fast enough to protect himself from flying objects like frying pans.

Still, and probably permanently on light duty, not being allowed to lift more than 20 pounds, Mrs. Santa is solely responsible for this year’s snow removal -which she happens to love.

And so I bundled up, walked outside with my new toy, and hoped it wouldn’t start. Flimsy thing anyway. “I bet it doesn’t last long.”

Carefully looking left and right, I started the shovel up and it came right on.

I put it on the ground and, to my surprise, it worked. It did not shovel the snow, nope, it ate it, sucked it up, and spit it out about 30 feet away. Our driveway was clean in five minutes. I didn’t even break a sweat. The backyard came next, our patio was cleared quickly, next ‘we’ cleared the walkway and I found out it also ‘shovels’ dog poop, which now can be found in the neighbor’s yard.

I didn’t have to push it either. It pushes itself.

20 minutes later, just as I had cleared half of my neighbor’s walkway, it stopped.

I marched back to Santa. “It died.”

“Battery lasts only for 20 minutes,” I got informed. Yeah, so OK, I don’t read manuals either. So, what!

“We need to order more batteries because the way it looks like I am going to shovel the entire street.” Santa dared to grin. I gave him the evil look. My Christmas present is so much fun, not that I would ever admit it!

“I thought it would come in handy, so I could shovel too.”

“WHAT??? Don’t you dare touch my new toy!”

Santa knows me well.

Half an hour later, playing in the snow, my neighbor came outside and wanted to look at it.

“Can I try?”

Before I knew it, he took off with my toy. It’s like childhood all over. You have a toy and they steal it.