…
Yesterday I asked my husband if I am getting more cynical with age, or if I just got wiser and it has gotten harder to impress me. His simple answer: “Yes!” It took a moment to sink in. “You mean both?” He chuckled and nodded. Prince Charming might be on to something, as always.
I am still stubbornly refusing to stay with the herd, so to speak. I walk with them for a while, follow the herder until I get bored or a different direction makes more sense to me.
I am not the typical person who can be influenced by influencers, neither do I follow trends easily, until of course they have become so normal that even I can’t refuse and the ones laughed at combination of pink and orange in a piece of clothing, can be found in my closet as well.
…
…
Love yourself, that’s a trend for a while, and many of us needed to be encouraged to walk away from being overly critical of ourselves. How could an abused woman (or man) ever walk away from a toxic relationship, if you don’t practice a bit of self-love, which also means to believe in yourself?
But as so often, I feel we go from one extreme to the next. First, we crush ourselves with never-ending critique just to love ourselves unconditionally a few decades later.
Love yourself! We’ve all heard it so many times. That we should love our too-big bellies and our wrinkled skin and, of course, our super annoying character trait that keeps giving us new problems. We’re supposed to love all of that because if we can’t love ourselves, how could possibly anybody else love us.
The message seems to be that when we love ourselves, everything will work out. If you are not married or didn’t find the right partner to spend your life with yet, then surely the perfect match will come along soon, as well as your dream job. If we learn to love all about us, then we have found the key to eternal bliss.
May I be honest here for a minute, please? I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to love all of me -and for sure not unconditionally.
After months of practicing self-love, trying to believe myself when I whispered I LOVE YOU to my reflection in the mirror, clouds of doubt dimmed the horizon.
So much for the theory, or perhaps I am just not good in self-love, because somehow while telling myself how wonderful and how beautiful I am, it also brought into my focus that if I love myself too much and accept myself the way I am right now, that doesn’t leave room for improvement.
…
…
If I am perfect, why should I change?
The more I thought about it the clearer it got, self-love made me the main subject and it took my focus away from my actions and my everyday life. As we can love others too much, I believe we can love ourselves a bit too much as well. Neither one is healthy.
Of course, it’s important not to find yourself completely shitty. I like myself (mostly) but just can’t love myself the way so many tell me I should.
We can live a fulfilled and exciting life, whether we find ourselves great or simply pitiful. I have come to the conclusion that it’s much more important that we judge what we do -and that includes the disciplined workout to lose the big belly we were told to love. Pushing forward, that’s more important for me and my existence.
I don’t want to ban or refuse self-love, not at all, but solely relying on it in the search for fulfillment is just not enough- at least not for me, because self-love has a lot to do with acceptance, and in a way, I associate acceptance with stagnation.
Sometimes it is so essential not to love things as they are and not to accept everything as is. There is no greater driving force within us than dissatisfaction. The pursuit of fulfillment.
I love enough about myself to be ok with who I am, but unconditional love will never happen. I like myself but I have stopped whispering “I love you” to my reflection because it made me feel silly. I like making funny faces at myself, sometimes I grin, sometimes I roll my eyes and there are days when I don’t even want to look.
I am ok with that. Perhaps my refusal to take selfies comes actually from deep within. I don’t want to be my center of attention, nor do I need the limelight, but, interestingly enough, I don’t shy away from the spotlight either.
If a flower does not bloom, it has not failed as a flower, it just needs a different environment, a different place. This comes pretty close to the experiences I have had in recent weeks and months.
I won’t be blooming in front of the mirror, but rather through my actions, hidden somewhere in the dark, or at bright sight.
We will see!
…
…
I definitely agree with all you’ve said, Bridget, and I relate to not being easily influenced by trends or popular culture. Yet I do notice, as you reference as well, that I sometimes join in a trend after months and months of what I can only assume was subliminal suggestion. 🤷♀️
“Subliminal suggestion” this is so Debra and so spot on. 🙂 I guess we get influenced without realizing it, or perhaps we just get used to it so some things become the new normal.
I have self acceptance, but I struggle with self love. Never made the connection before that maybe it’s because I was raised to put others first. Hmm? Very interesting post with lots to think about.
Thank you so much.
You are most welcome.
I think self-love is more like the love you give your husband or kids. You can love them but not like them much sometimes. You discipline your kids because you love them, not because you’re a mean old nasty lady that likes to see them in pain. (Unless you are…) You discipline yourself to get rid of your belly, and you see the potential in yourself in the mirror. You can aspire to learning a new language, or changing your hairstyle, or meditating or yoga…whatever you want to improve because you’re worth the effort. You can accept how you look and that you have annoying habits, but if you love yourself, you want to expand to your greatest potential and not settle for what you are now. This is not self-criticism, it’s a desire to grow.
While I like your idea of self-love, sadly, that’s not what they are asking us to do these days, but I think you know that.
they ask us to do that so they can sell more skin care products, massages, clothes, and diet plans. Most people would think that you show love to yourself from the outside in, and I believe it’s from the inside out: fix your thinking to change your behavior instead of changing your behavior to fix your thinking.
I am not sure. Women have been put down for far too long and part of me, understand why some should practice self-love daily. Too many live -and stay- in abusive relationships. But as so often, we fall from one extreme to the next. First we swallow all pride and walk with the head held down, to rise up and love everything about us -unconditionally.
We just make no sense.
Interesting topic to ponder. I do agree that too much self-love does not leave the door open to improvement. “Oh well, that’s who I am” might be used as an excuse for some pretty anti-social behavior. When I think of self-love, I think more in terms of self-acceptance, for there are things we truly have no control over, our genetic gifts. The other stuff, we can work on.
I have sausage fingers! I accept them but I will be damned if I love them 🙂
😂
*so many typos. Sorry. Do you know how to fix them inside WordPress? You can edit comments and fix mistakes if you feel up for it. Or just leave it. I think you know what I meant though, in my comment.
I used to talk to text and didn’t edit as cautiously as I usually do before pressing send. 😵💫
I had a German professor in university who grew up in Germany and moved to Canada later. Her parents raised her the way they knew from their own histories, that is, the European way or the traditional German way. I think you know what I mean.
Anyway, she and I one time had a conversation about love. Specifically with regards to describing how you feel about inanimate objects. ” I love my sofa” or ” I just love this fork” to her sounded a little bit ridiculous.
With German, my own mother tongue, understood what she meant. Was criticized for saying things like that to people who did not understand German at all, and accused her of being a negative person simply for stating that she doesn’t use the word love when she
Oops, pressed enter too soon.
My point was, Ich liebe meine Katze, or Ich liebe meine Schuhe” what’s up something she was used to saying or even hearing back in the day.
I’m not knocking the self-love journey. God knows I’m doing a lot of that practicing accepting myself, self-worth exercises in order to maintain some sort of prevailing positive mentality when sometimes I feel like spiraling out of control with rage and negativity.
Sorry for the lengthy comment. 😎
For what is worse, I understand what you mean. But I still like Louise Hay who says go stand in front of the mirror and say I love you to yourself. 😂 It’s pretty interesting how uncomfortable this little exercise is.Have you tried it? I have and the fact that it feels uncomfortable when I do it tells me something about myself… 🤷♀️
Yes I have tried the little exercise and yes, it makes most of us uncomfortable because many of us were raised to not put ourselves first.
As you know, German is also my mother tongue and I agree. Using the same “love” for things and people is a bid odd. How can you love pizza and your husband the same. The word “I love you” is overused in the US and underused in Germany/Austria.
I could relate to your post in more ways than one. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Honest as ever, Bridget. You only followed the herd up the mountains as a child.
Maybe, like in most things, balance is good. I have loved myself like a nurturing parent – loving me unconditionally (as in forever), but also knowing I can and will do better, accepting the present reality of a bigger belly and working to tighten these old abs. I can relate to going back and forth over decades and the eye rolling -saying, “there you go again, JoAnna Banana.”
I agree. I watched many people spent years in therapy, and it works beautifully in most cases. But for some people – (my ex among others) – it turned into this dicky attitude “I am who I am am, and deal with it” . As you said, no room for improvement. Not much of self-reflections either.
Self-reflection, that’s a big part of our development. I am glad so many understand where I am coming from and why I felt the need to write this post. Thank you, Jo.
Thank you!
I’ve thought about writing about this subject because the “self-love” trend seems to be picking up steam and I’m leery of pretty much any trending idea or meme having watched debacles led by “build their self-esteem”, “you can do anything you want” etc.
Beautiful post!
I feel the same way. I find too much self-love to do more harm than good. The way I look at our society, not just here in the US but world wide, we are self-centered enough the way it is already.
Thank you for reading and thank you for commenting, Ginger.
Very deep and reflective!
I am overthinking it sometimes, but I just can’t help it 🙂 Thanks for reading
I think we are both overthinkers. It is not an affliction that can be cured!
Overthinking is in my DNA. 😉