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How honest should I be on my blog? I always wondered about that. I could answer, “I am fine”, which I am, but that’s only the tip of the iceberg, a facade because most of us have the same defense mechanism. “I am fine,” isn’t that the answer we mostly give, even when we are not?
Maybe I should answer, “I am good,” which I can be if I want to be. ‘The good girl’, ‘The good wife’, ‘The good friend’, ‘The good patient’, ‘The good ….'(fill in the blanks). I was raised to be good, like every other woman. No matter where we are born, our skin color, or whether we are rich or poor.
“I am fine and I am good!” Yep, but not really. I smile, and I am calm, but inside? That’s a different story.
If there were a forecast for me and my mood, I would say we are under bad weather-watch. Severe storms might be coming. Take shelter in time, cover yourself, be safe!
I am brave! (Nope! I am clearly not). I am not worried (Nope! I surpassed worrying), I am frightened, scared out of my mind. I am an emotional rollercoaster.
I have to wait four more weeks to get a fine needle biopsy on my thyroid because I have nodules, three of them, nice centimeters altogether and WE need to make sure it’s not cancer.
I hate the ‘C’ word. When did it start sneaking into our lives? What’s the normal age limit before the C-word comes your way -one way or the other?
How unfair is that? We are young. Not even retired, but soon eligible, even though we both can’t picture life without some kind of work. We deserve to reach retirement age in good health. Ok, maybe not ‘good’ but fair (enough).
Haven’t we been through enough? (But then, what is enough?)
Then, right before I am ready to throw in the towel. When I feel like breaking into pieces, when I want to crawl up in a ball -somewhere- when I think I can’t take it any longer (because patience has never been my strong suit) that’s when a TV program shows another commercial asking for donations. It’s either St. Jude’s or the Children’s Hospital. (Why do they need donations, can’t we have them covered with taxpayers’ money? Don’t parents of sick children have enough to worry about? They don’t need medical bills on top of it)
The commercials show little children battling cancer. Children’s hospitals! How do I wish there wouldn’t be a need for these clinics. When I see the faces of strangers, mothers, fathers, and siblings, worrying about a little kid, that’s when I realize how lucky I am. Little kids and babies get cancer. I am 60 and have lived a great life -still do. If I could take cancer away from a kid, any kid, I would. Give it to me instead (no, not really, but you know what I mean). Kids shouldn’t have to battle cancer. That’s not just unfair, that’s super unfair.
I have smoked for 35 years, whatever might be growing inside of me, perhaps I had it coming. But that’s not fair either. I stopped smoking over ten years ago. I can’t be punished for something in my past, right? (Why not?)
Why me? Why now? (Again…why not?)
“It’s harmless, it has been there for a while. Nothing to worry about!” a voice whispers inside me.
Maybe it’s nothing, just ‘normal’ nodules that can be easily treated, one way or the other. Or perhaps I retire my thyroid earlier than the rest of me?
Oh, for heaven’s sake. Can you tell, the stage of ‘not knowing’ is driving me bonkers.
Oh, Universe, make the time go by fast, please! I don’t want to rip someone’s head off by accident (or intentionally.)
Ok, now I am smiling again. Writing this was good!
…
…
But I will be. Four more weeks before we know for sure. That’s nothing.
iam so sorry dear! I hope you are healthy.
Thank you, I hope I will be or at least healthy enough 🙂
Aaah you got this! 😀 Ofcourse you will!
I hope get really “fine”
Praying for you 🤍 This is a beautifully raw post, and I’m so sorry for the trials you are going through right now. It’s okay to not be fine. Feel everything you need too. I’m glad you are able to express yourself through blogging, it’s a great form of connection and in a way therapy.
I appreciate all good wishes. Thank you very much.
Thank you for reading. Nice to meet you!
I think we say “fine” because breaking the “social rules” of communication and giving a truthful answer makes people uncomfortable. We are afraid people will think we’re wakadoodle. With honesty, we might make friends or take up two minutes of someone’s time. Life is worth being real. I say, take your time and own every minute of it. No more faking fine. Prayers for healing in the power of the Holy Spirit for every cell of your body in Jesus’s name. God bless you a whole bunch.
You are spot on. Life is worth being real.
Thank you for the healing thoughts from the gods. I appreciate the gesture and I appreciate you taking your time to write a comment.
Thank you so much for sharing. I will be praying for you. ❤️
Healing thoughts are always welcome. Thank you
Sure you will be in Sha Allah
That’s a very brave post!! Have been going thru something similar lately
Be honest. Tell it like it is. Life is too short to be fake. Now how much detail you go into, etc that’s the real issue. That depends on your level of comfort and what is genuinely helpful for you.
I have thyroid cancer. I had the fine needle biopsy and had my entire thyroid removed. Recently finished with radioactive iodine treatment and waiting to see results of body scan.
Thyroid cancer generally has a good prognosis. It’s tough getting your hormones and levels figured out, but in terms of treatment and living, thyroid cancer is about the best kind you can have.
Hang in there. The anticipation and it knowing is often worse than what actually happens.
It’s not fine, but I’m hoping it will be fine. Even, in the most vulnerable moments, positively triumphs as our most finest hour. Wishing well!
The feeling of not knowing must be horrible. It would eat me up from the inside. Let’s hope it all turns out ‘fine’ in four weeks!
The waiting is the worst. Your mind races with every possibility during that wait. Have faith in your doctors… no matter the outcome they will give you the best medicine has to offer. You have a powerful ally in your corner… your positivity. I know it is hard but try not to think the worst. And if you do, you should know you and your doctors will be strong and positive and carry on! Sending lots of positive vibes and healing thoughts your way. 🤗❤️
I wish you all the best! Your writing is so honest and clear. I don’t know who you are but I think I know that feeling creeping upon my body and mind, my breathing naturally shortens when facing a potentially unwanted medical result, of myself or my loved ones. No matter how hard I try to calm the nerves, I just can’t get rid of my fear and can’t help praying to God, Heaven, my ancestors. I think that fear is a part of our journey as human on Earth. I hope every time we get a benign result, we will not forget too easily how lucky we are at that time 😉
Tell us if you are not fine. That is a long wait for a biopsy and we will want to know the result
Or… “I’d love to tell you and you’d love to tell me, but then we’d have quite the queue wouldn’t we? “
Call it honestlies? Or say “I’m having quite the day, thank you for asking!”
I often say, “Don’t get me started…”
I always say I’m fair to middling. It means yeah I look OK and if I fake myself out for long enough I might just be able to fool myself that I’m OK even when I’m not and my list of ailments grunts and grievances is as long as one of those XXL kitchen rolls typed in fine print both sides. So we cut it down into two words. I’m fine. because usually when people ask how you are it’s what they expect you to say and don’t have the time or inclination to hear all about it anyway!
“Fair middling” I like that.
I dislike everything fake and don’t like it if I have to pretend, yet I do it.
I suppose my customers don’t really want to know how I am feeling, neither do I want to hear about their problems. We exchange a quick “how are you” and go on with business.
We have created this space in-between honesty and lies. Perhaps we should rethink it?
Good to let it out, Bridget. Keep doing that, as much and as often as you need to over the coming weeks. Not that you need my permission, just supporting. 💝
Yesterday’s prompt made me 🙂
I am not good in keeping things bottled up.
You know I love your writing. I don’t love reading that you’re in that stressful space of “not knowing.”
Oh, MY!!! THis may as well be ME writing this & I want to reach out & hold you close to my heart. I so understand how you feel. I understand how those kids with cancer make you feel … in your heart & the pit of your stomach. And I understand the overwhelming anxiety of waiting for results. You just want to scream & run away from it all. I KNOW.
As a nurse for just about forever, I do want to tell you right away that the majority of nodules & lumps are benign. That is such good news & something very positive to hold onto while you wait for your results. Do not do internet searches because that will send your anxiety over the roof & you don’t need that.
Waiting always sucks.
I DID have breast cancer. As an RN of MANY years I didn’t want to know everything I knew because it was so easy to imagine the worst.
Knowing what the enemy was gave me a direction for my anger, fear & anxiety.
I am 16 years cancer free.
As that old RN with MANY years experience as an OR nurse & later manager, I want to make the waiting easier for you if I can. AGAIN – most nodules & lumps are NOT cancer. Thyroid cancer is fairly innocuous … it is treatable & has a low recurrence rate.
PLEASE let me know if you’d like to contact me privately & I will give you contact info.
And it IS OK to answer HOW ARE YOU? truthfully. Waiting for any kind of results is anxiety-producing & we shouldn’t have to hide it in a simple answer.
I’m with you 100%
What a sweet offer. Thank you so much. It means the world to me, more than I can express now.
I am going to be ok one way or another. It’s just the waiting that drives me nuts. I can’t even stand in line at the grocery store without rolling my eyes. 🙂
I am so glad you are cancer free. What a scary time you had to live through.
Believe me, a positive attitude is key to getting through just about anything & I’m so glad you have that. And waiting is the very worst part. Unfortunately, we can’t simply hit FAST FORWARD.
I’m always here if you need me
Hang in there & please do let us know how you are.
You ROCK!!!!
Ooooh, my wife hates that word Fine, especially when it comes form me and she has made the effort to ask How I am? How was that meal? How do you feel about that? How did it go? Fine to her is like a kiss off. She wants details and she wants them now. I can’t blame her. Most men use the word fine to much, because they do not want to explain it. Like you, I worry about everything, up until the moment I have an answer. I do hope that after your tests Bridget, you will be FINE. Allan
I just read this out loud to my husband, who after so many years still hasn’t gotten it. I want details…always 🙂
And yes, I want them now. 🙂
OK, it’s my pleasure.
God’s got you. Will pray for you!
I am agnostic, meaning I don’t believe in the existence or non-existence of god(s) but appreciate the kindness you showed. Nothing wrong with healing thoughts, prayers or otherwise. Thank you.
I think if the doctors were truly worried about it being cancer, they’d make sure you got in sooner than 4 weeks. They have their ways, when it’s truly urgent!
It sounds so reasonable, but here in the US it’s hard to get any kind of appointment with a specialist. If you want something done right away, you need to get to the emergency room, which should be for emergencies only, but sadly it is used like an urgent care, because people can’t get appointments.
Praying for you Bridget, I know the panic and worry involved is crazy but hopefully it is all for naught.
It’s a bit nerve-wracking, some days more than on others. Thanks, Ernie.
Health frights are a total nightmare, Hopefully, your spunk will glide you through this next month and help you take “the bull by the horns” and move forward with the information given to you. I wish you well, Bridget.
Thank you, Nancy. The waiting is just hard. Patience Padawan! 🙂
Oh Bridget, I know it’s scary waiting to find out, I have an enlarged thyroid and had to have several tests last year/ early this year on multiple nodules – for me the biggest nodule is 6cm, with several slightly smaller ones, and my neck is visibly distorted – but thankfully none are cancerous so as my thyroid function is still in the normal range and a barium swallow test shows my swallowing is not impaired by my enlarged thyroid I chose just to leave everything as it is for now. I need to go back if I notice any worrying change but for now I’m just relieved it’s nothing nasty, apparently just down to my age… fingers crossed you too get good news, I’ll be thinking of you <3
Thank you for sharing this wish me, Ruth. I hope my issue is as ‘harmless’ and not dramatic at all. I think I have these thyroid nodules for years, which I can tell by looking at photos. You can see the right side is slightly larger, but it never bothered me until I got a new necklace for Christmas. One day I noticed the small bump and now I ‘feel’ it every day. It’s all my husband’s fault :-).
Thank you, Ruth.
Awful, the not knowing, Bridget. You can twist yourself in knots with the fear and what ifs. And I so agree about kids. What torture it must be to be the parent of a child with cancer. The helplessness. I hope the 4 weeks speed past and the result is a good one.
“Twist yourself in knots.” I love that, I haven’t heard it before. So true. That’s exactly what I am doing. Today is one of the days where I have too much time on my hands, and my mind is going over 100/hr.
Thanks, Jo. I hope time flies, as it always does.
Fingers tightly crossed for you 🤞
Thank you, Clive.
It’s strange how the human reaction to “How are you?” is normally “Fine!”. I even feel disgustingly healthy whenever I visit the doctor. I do so hope that your prognosis is the best possible and that time doesn’t go too slowly until the tests.
Why do we do that? Saying fine, if we are not? Why do we feel all of a sudden healthy, when we sit in the waiting room of a doctor. Beats me! If you don’t have the answer, how could I.
It will be ok. I don’t like the alternative.
It will. I can feel it in my bones!
I learned this from a writer friend I love and respect. She has recently gone through a rough patch and has given me a new meaning for the word FINE. (pardon the language if anyone is offended.) I hope this brings a smile to your face
Fucked up
Insecure
Narotic
Emotional
I LOVE THAT! What a brilliant descriptive new look on FINE. I have to use this and share it with others. Thank you, Darlene.
Please do share it. I think it’s perfect. xo
I am sorry this is happening, and very glad you are expressing your feelings. I am sending you lots of care as you navigate this process. ❤️
Your post is deeply moving and honest. You beautifully express the struggle of maintaining a brave front while facing real fears. Your reflections on societal expectations and shifting perspectives are powerful. Thank you for sharing so openly.
Blogging and writing is a bit like therapy. This post set my mind at ease, at least for the moment. The different voice in our heads (or my head) can be comical. Reading my own words now felt a bit surreal. Thank you for reading and thank you for commenting.
It’s shocking you have to wait so long. Sending supportive thoughts your way. Fingers crossed 🤞
It’s the American (unhealth) system. You have to wait to see a specialist, sometimes for months. It just doesn’t make any sense -never has.
I’m glad I don’t live in US
I Pray it’s not cancer (nobody deserves that).
You seem like a nice person.
‘IT’S NOT CANCER ‘ (fingers crossed)
I appreciate the thought. Thank you.