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Maybe I shouldn’t answer today’s prompt because it will make people feel sorry for me, and I dislike that more than I dislike Fennel, and I dislike Fennel a lot.
“I am sorry.” How often have I heard this in my life? People always meant well. How can one not feel sorry when you hear about abusive parents and a troubled childhood – which is actually only a small and very short chapter in the book of life?
When I was five years old, I knew what I wanted to be:
Kind, and free.
I often dreamed when I hid in the darkness or when I felt scared. Later, I learned that people who live in fear do that sometimes. They build ‘Castles in the clouds’ and picture a life so much better than the one they have.
My parents were alcoholics and, like so many people who drink too much, they got loud and often violent when they drank too much. I didn’t know what alcohol was. I just knew when it was time to become invisible to them, so they continued arguing with each other.
They were violent in words and actions with each other, and sadly, sometimes also toward me. They both were victims of World War II. My mother, the only survivor of nine children, had named me after her little sister, who drowned that night when they had to flee from their home in the middle of the night. My father had been picked up at school, and he was sent to the front to fight for Hitler at the age of 16. He ended up in a Russian POW (Prisoners of War) camp.
They both had good childhoods, but their lives changed when they were teenagers, and as young adults – after the war – there was nothing and nobody who guided them out of the darkness they felt inside.
Yes, I could find excuses for their bad behavior and their violence, but I don’t want to. I didn’t become an alcoholic, so there is that. You can overcome a bad childhood and/or anything else that happens in your life the right way. No excuses for my parents. Not even an understanding.
I wanted to be kind to people, and I knew, I just knew, I would always be kind to animals.
I didn’t want to be an astronaut or a doctor. I didn’t dream of a house with a white picket fence and a husband.
At five years old, I dreamed of kindness. I wanted to be free from my parents. I wanted to be nice to everybody around me.
My life changed at the age of six, a few months before my seventh birthday. After an ‘accident’ at home that left me with a scar on my left temple, I moved in with my Grandmother and spent the rest of my childhood in the Austrian Alps on our farm, or at a privileged boarding school in Bavaria, the South of Germany. From that moment on, I had the most wonderful childhood a kid could imagine.
That’s why there is no reason to feel sorry for me.
Am I kind?
I am trying to be, but people make it hard. 🙂
Am I free?
Yes, I am.
You are most definitely kind and free! Alcoholism is a cruel disease that effects so many more than the drinkers and it in no way gives them an excuse. I am glad though that it lead you to a wonderful childhood with your grandmother. Enjoy your freedom!
It’s always so refreshing to hear stories of people who choose to be kind even in a cruel world. People like you make the world a better place to live in 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story
How sweet of you to write this. Thank you, Katrina.
I won’t say “I’m sorry,” but I hope I can still say that I find you remarkable. You may not know it, but there are so few people who can identify with a difficult upbringing and still verbalize gratitude. I love hearing about your grandmother’s very significant role in your life. I wish more people valued kindness as you do, Bridget. ❤️
Life is about choices. I could use my parents and my upbringing as an excuse and be just like my parents, or I can chose to be different. It’s that simple.
I truly believe we all can find a reasonable excuse for bad behaviors or addictions in our youth if we need to.
When I was five, I wanted to be six. I was happy doing whatever I was doing: climbing trees, flying kites, hiking, pretending to fly. When I was six, I started school and from that point on, I just wanted to be normal. I was the weird kid. I probably would have been diagnosed as autistic but not back then. I started teaching when I was 14 years old and it was fun! But I was always the odd duck all the way through college (with the exception of my husband whom I married right after I graduated) and throughout all the ensuing years. I was mercilessly teased, and couldn’t hold a job for more than a year. I was fired from every teaching job I held. I worked in fast food for 5 years. I became a stock broker about 25 years ago, and still teach out of my house…coming up on 57 years now. I will never be normal. You can’t put those worms back in the can. You simply cannot experience excellence and then go back to being average.
I wish to be kind to people. It is a challenge sometimes.
Please forgive me for my late reply. I answered already but WordPress didn’t publish it.
I am so sorry you were teased (and probably bullied) as a child. I am sure if was hurtful and left scars on your soul.
I am glad you found happiness in your marriage.
Being normal is overrated. I loved what you wrote.
“You cannot experience excellency and then go back to being average.”
So true!
Thank you so much for sharing. Your 5 year old aspirations reveal your beautiful heart! 🥰
There were kind people around me, adults and children. I remember how often I looked at other kids parents and all I could see was love and kindness and I never understood why my parents couldn’t be like it.
Thank you, Lisa.
So very telling. Thank goodness for your grandmother
What a wonderful aspiration for a 5-year-old, and thankfully, you achieved it. 🤗💛
Oh gosh, I am far from it. I am kind but goodness lately I have evil thoughts, especially when I watch the news.
That is allowed and very understandable!
You are kind and free, and pass that on in your writing. When I was 5 I wanted to be a teacher. I had my son at age 17 and becoming a school teacher didn’t happen. But, I became an adult educator and a teacher of ESL later, so I still got to teach and loved it. We can feel sorry for ourselves or we can carry on and live our best lives. I think we both did that.
Playing the best game with the cards we have been dealt, that’s what it’s all about.
I am glad that you still became an educator and that your life turned out great.
So true. Things don’t always turn out the way you thought they would, but if you play your cards right, they still turn out. xo
Thank you for sharing this little window into your world.
This part is hard to share, not because it happened, but because of how people react. We all have been sold to the picture of the ‘perfect family’ which is so often not existing, or how we like to call it ‘dysfunctional.’
Thank you, Violet.
I find our beauty in our brokenness; it is there that we can really serve our fellow by allowing them to feel seen.
“Beauty in our brokenness” I love that.
That is a book waiting to be written. After you moved in Grandma it sounds like the book Heidi, which i loved as a kid. I’m sorry about your early life, I’m glad you got away.
“Heidi”? Oh no 🙂 I read the book to and the only thing fiction and non-fiction has in common are the mountains.
My early life is part of a puzzle that made me who I am today. I appreciate your kind words, Dawn.
So powerful of you to come out with your personal experiences! 💛💟
Love and hugs.
It’s the experience of many, but it stays hidden (too often).
Thank you for stopping by Shreya.