Do you open your neighbor’s garden gate, stomp through their rosebed, and then sit down on their patio?
The garden gate and the fence around the flowerbed mark the property line that we do not cross without the neighbor’s permission. In most cases, we can also easily perceive physical boundaries: if someone touches us, we quickly register whether or not we are comfortable with it and act accordingly.
Emotional boundaries are invisible, making them far more difficult to recognize and communicate. Yet, those who succeed in doing so generally enjoy much more pleasant, healthy, and harmonious relationships.
You might think that setting your own boundaries will change the other person’s behavior. I have to disappoint you there: that is complete bullshit—you never (ever!) set a boundary to control, change, or manipulate another person’s behavior. The person with whom you are setting the boundary is still free to behave however they wish. That’s their right. The only thing your boundary achieves is a change in your own behavior and your inner world.
Your best friend repeatedly shows up late for your get-togethers. You regularly wait nearly half an hour for her to arrive, and you boil with anger because you feel she doesn’t respect your time. If you tell her that you are no longer willing to wait more than fifteen minutes for her, you are doing it for yourself. She still has the right to show up half an hour late, as you have the right to leave.
I think it gets easier with age, when we know ourselves a bit better, when it’s clearer what we want, what our values are, and what feels right and good to us.
I went through phases in my life, which I assume is normal. I went from a people-pleaser to asshole and back. I had no boundaries at first because I wanted everybody to like/love me, and a few decades later, I built an invisible wall around me so that nobody could trample on my yard (aka feelings) anymore.
“Hey! If you stomp through the bathroom again right after I’ve mopped the floor, you can forget about cuddling in front of the TV later!” “Watch it: if you do XY one more time, then—seriously— …. !”
Does that sound like an act of love? Not really. Yet most of us make statements like that. I know I did.
The way many people have learned to communicate boundaries often resembles a childish act of defiance or an angry threat—yet, unfortunately, it very rarely comes from a place of love.
It took me decades to realize that setting boundaries can actually be done respectfully and calmly—without underhanded, manipulative motives, without a desire to control the other person, and without looking down on them.
My boundaries reflect the values I live by. They show the people around me: This is who I am. This is what matters to me. This is how I want to live. This is what I am willing to do. This is what I want. This is what I cannot accept.
Is it sellfish? No! It’s healthy.
And now here is my healthy guide to boundaries—here is how:
Reflect on yourself in different areas of your life and ask yourself:
What are my values? What truly matters to me?
What (non-negotiable) boundaries emerge from this for me?
What consequences will I enforce if these boundaries are crossed?
What fear might be holding me back from enforcing consequences I still find difficult to implement?
Take the time to do this consciously, then act in accordance with your answers.
You will see: over time, your relationships will grow thanks to this new clarity. After all, it is far more pleasant, authentic, and enjoyable when everyone in a relationship—whether a romantic partnership, a circle of friends, or a family—gives only what they genuinely want to give, acts voluntarily rather than out of obligation, and no longer fears simply saying “no” in certain situations.
Because life is allowed to be easy and fun. Love, too!
A fine extended metaphor
We seem to be in about the same stage in life tho’ methinks this has been my natural mode of behaviour for as long as I can currently remember. If matters have become uncomfortable, I step back, become rather quiet and wait for the other party to react – what I feel needs to be said, these days I do, without fuss or bother > if the reaction is negative, well that is how it is > one turns the proverbial 6 1/2 degrees – it is a big, big world!