The conversation with my friend didn’t go the way I was hoping for. It felt odd, and it made me realize that we have drifted apart during the last months.
A breakup between friends, how dramatic is must sound to someone who doesn’t know me. I suppose we have moved on and we moved into different directions. Her beliefs and her values are the exact opposite of mine, and in this case, opposites don’t attract each other. I guess it had always been like that, we just didn’t notice because certain subjects never came up.
An election brought out what we stand for and sadly, we don’t stand on the same side. It’s more than just politics. For me, it’s about values, ethic, and character. It’s about caring for others, it’s about standing up for minorities.
How do you end a friendship? Is there a friendship etiquette that I don’t know about? It seems to be so easy online, you just unfriend a virtual friend, but in real life, it’s so much more complicated.
The easy way out is, of course, the most appealing. Just don’t call anymore, or call less and less and time will do the rest. This way we don’t have to say what we feel and we can pretend it just happened.
Unfortunately, the easy way out has never been my thing.
I suppose some people stay with us forever, while others travel with us for a short while.
“For me, it’s about values, ethic, and character. ” That’s why my BFF and I became and are still friends.”
“It’s about caring for others, it’s about standing up for minorities.” It’s also about trying to put oneself in their place, IMHO. That switch is easier for some of us than it is for others of us, I guess.
Ending the friendship etiquette. Now THERE’S a subject for a book. I’ve gone the easy route as you describe it, and I’ve gone the hard route (talking to them face to face and saying “Hey, it was good, it had it’s moments, but now it’s over.”) and neither is preferable. For me, who loathes confrontation, the easy road is the best one though. Just stop communicating with the other person. Period. Cut them out. If they are stubborn and keep buggin’ you to EXPLAIN dammit and I want closure and all that…well then do. They should expect what they get though, because I’m brutal and I’m usually angry and it’s not pretty. My last long term friendship was with a woman in Salt Lake to whom from the very day we met, we felt like we were sisters of another mother type of thing, our personalities were so alike, our humor and our dislikes. We were besties. Hubby didn’t like my friend, my family didn’t really like my friend (she was pretty blunt), and after hubby died, I saw what those other people saw, and which I had not paid attention to over our friendship – a good 15 years. My friend became someone who was negative, self-righteous (an “I’m right and you’re wrong” attitude), and who told me bluntly that I forced her to do things she never wanted to, but she didn’t want to fight with me about them. Her family (from whom she rented her apartment) didn’t like ME. There was a point when I considered paying my friend rent to stay on her couch (my stuff was in storage) it would have been a two month arrangement. Her family said “Oh FUCK NO (in those terms) and that was the end of our friendship. I moved to a motel for the two months, it wasn’t going well, and she came over one time and was getting into full blown “I told you so” mode, as I packed up what I had and prepared to leave the motel. The last thing I ever said to her was “I’ll see you at your house”, but I never went. I left and came to the town where I now live. And she’s refused to ever speak to me again. Oh well. Death is hard, whether it’s friends, family or a belief.
I felt I “owe” her the explanation why I prefer not to be friends anymore. I believe people have right to know why we love them, and they have a right to know when we fall out of love.
I am sorry this all happened to you.
Brave thoughts on a difficult dilemma
And I was joking back. We’ll have to catch on to each other’s humor. Good night from my part of the country.
I’m sorry Bridget. I know you wanted this to work – to find some common ground that you could work with. It’s painful when, in spite of your desire for a different outcome, it just doesn’t work. My sympathy – the loss of a friendship is not trivial.
Thank you Joanne!
I’m sorry that happened, Bridget. You did try, and I honestly believe that you meant to find common ground based on your previous post about your friend. You went into it with a positive and hopeful attitude. You’re right that friendships come in all types, depths, and durations. Smile and move on to those relationships, new and old, that make you happy. 😀
There is nothing anybody can do. We don’t have any common ground and tiptoeing around it won’t work.
You were very brave, and you tried. I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but I cannot imagine someone like you getting along long-term with someone who not only voted for T but is still going along with him. I am so depressed today by both the pipeline approvals and the removal of overseas aid for family planning. He is really messing with the world, not just his own backyard.
It’s an odd situation. I read about the pipeline approvals today and I cursed in pretty much every language I know. What a slap in the face of so many.
They will go after planned parenthood here as well and that’s when I will be on the streets. Gosh, I thought my protesting times were over.
PS. I take “someone like me” as a compliment 🙂
It was a compliment!
” For me, it’s about values, ethic, and character. It’s about caring for others, it’s about standing up for minorities.” Dear …ladybug, I am completely what your friend is and I could make the exact quote that you have made, except I would probably not say “standing up for minorities,” because I see minorities covered by the same “personhood” as majorities are, the same as I am. I think anything good for me is good for any living person – schools, lower taxes, jobs, possibility for achievement and advancement, etc. I hope you will not cut me off from your virtual friends; I like reading your viewpoint although as far as I know you do not read mine. I do not consider you a “ranter” and maybe not an “I will hate Trump forever, no matter what he does” person. I hope this doesn’t come off as conflict. Just want to increase understanding. And I guess I’m standing in for your friend.
WHAT? You think I am not a ranter LOL. What’s up with that?
I will not cut you off from my virtual friends. I have no problems with different opinions and different points of view. However, I have a big problem with racism.
I have minority friends, gay friends, Muslim friends who unfortunately don’t always have the same rights as we do. That’s what I mean by standing up. As a matter of fact, I am a woman and there are still men out there who would consider me as a second class citizen, because of my gender.
My friend has strong Southern opinions, especially about colored people and the last election brought out the worst in her.
So for me it’s a question of ethic and character.
Keep developing. Maybe you will achieve “ranter” status. Sorry if I insulted you. 😀 😀
Goodness, I meant it as a joke. I am not easily offended.
As for being a “ranter” well I have my days 🙂
I had a break up with a friend a few years ago- I just couldn’t live with her attitude, her bossiness, her reprimanding me like I was a child. I did tell her in an email that I felt our idea of friendship was not the same anymore(we had known each other over 20 years) and that was it. She was , in her words, “devastated” 3 years went by and we ran into each other and she said she would love to have a coffee- so we did. I spoke very openly about what I felt had changed the relationship, and she told me she had done a lot of soul searching over those 3 years and worked on changing. We are now friends again- and it feels right. Our moral and ethical core was not the problem, I think as in your case I would call it quits for good.
I never had a fall out with a friend. It feels odd, but I also feel relief and that must sound terrible.
Let’s talk about you my friend. I am glad that you guys made up.
I think this was just the latest of a “disguised”series of disappointments with each other….
This was “la goccia che fa traboccare il vaso”…(I know you can translate it) dealing with something much more serious and deeper , than any other discussion you had to face in the past
…I’m very sorry for you , Bridget!
You are right, it goes much deeper. It goes to our core believes and I will defend mine with my head held up high.
(La capisco benissimo)
Don’t end your friendship. I am sure it was built on many other things besides politics. Maybe, just give the friendship a vacation. The older we get, the more we lose friends to death. I am trying to hand onto the friends that are alive and appreciate them for their many different facets.
I lost my best friend to cancer 3 almost 3 years ago. I miss her every day.
The divisiveness of thiswhole campaign and election has taken a toll on many relationships-familial or otherwise. I am experiencing this as well-and it is never easy or fun. I dislike conflict and this has created *all* the conflict within my own family and personal circle of friends. *HUGS* for the end of your friendship, though. I’m sad that had to happen!
It saddens me as well. Thank you for the hug.
I have been saddened by this dynamic, noticing the political realities in the US have created a chasm of profound difference between people. We are lining up on sides because evil is loose in the land and must be stopped. It is a sad state of affairs~
It makes me feel sad as well, but I can’t help it. I don’t pretend very well -as you probably know.