In Bed with Matthew McConaughey and Nick Jonas

Last updated on March 22, 2021

I am a light sleeper. I hear unusual noises in the house. I notice the coughing of the dogs, can hear the whistles of the train or people walking by. Every sound out of the ordinary seems to get my attention and my inner alarm system wakes me up.

It got worse when my husband recovered from bypass surgery. He had to sleep downstairs in the recliner for four weeks, while I tried to get some restful shut-eye upstairs, and I was subconsciously always on high alert.

I went from a light sleeper to a nervous sleeper. Tossing and turning, not being able to fall asleep. So much is on my mind and like little soldiers, all my thoughts seem to feel the need to parade in the darkness in front of my eyes -night after night. I am stuck, like a hamster in a wheel running in circles. Yearning for sleep, doomed to get no rest while running another round in the wheel.

I knew I had to do something. But what? I tried Melatonin and other ‘natural’ sleep aids, which worked wonderfully but kept me drowsy after waking up, and I walked around like a Zombie for 24 hours. I didn’t need a sleep aid. I needed a fall asleep aid.

I started listening to audiobooks when I went to bed, and right from the start I had picked a winner. The book was rather boring and the narrator’s stereotypical voice gently handed me over to the sandman. I had set my timer for 30 minutes and never made it to the end.

Perhaps it is not what the author had in mind when writing the book, but it helped me to fall asleep.

Sadly, nothing is more annoying than listening to the same chapters over and over, and so I went searching for another highly boring book. It’s not as easy as you think it is. Some books can annoy you just by being boring, and some narrators should be forbidden (by law) to ever narrate another book -ever. I cannot fall asleep when I am rolling my eyes.

Right in the middle of the COVID lockdown, new 30-minut relaxation and meditation audiobooks were offered for free, and I jumped on it like the witch jumps the broom.

The first book “The perfect swing” narrated by Nick Jonas was a double winner. I have zero understanding of -and for- baseball, and Nick Jonas’s soothing voice knocked me out cold in under 10 minutes. I don’t know if Jonas read this in a specifically monotone voice to put us asleep, or if it is his natural voice. Whatever it is, it works. If I recall correctly, the story is is about Joe Di Maggio finding the perfect swing. For me, it was a homerun! But again, I could not listen to it over and over and quickly needed something new.

The next bedtime story for adult did not work. I was asked to relax and count backward from 10 to 0. How in the world can I fall asleep if you make me count? Ever time I was finally drifting off, a new demand to count back to 0 had me laying there wide awake, concentrating in the dark because even though nobody would know it, I cannot just jump from 6 to 4, just because I am sleepy.

I so I was quickly done with the free sleep books and needed more.

Not knowing where to search I turned the TV on. I am not sure why we have a TV in the bedroom, but it’s there, just in case someone gets sick and needs to binge-watch whatever sick people binge-watch.

I went to YouTube and looked for ‘Adult Bedtime Stories.’ I prepared myself to be bombarded with porn but to my surprise, it showed me actually bedtime stories for adults who cannot sleep.

I was delighted about the selection and carefully chose my option who I would go to bed with. Brat Pitt was not available, which is a shame I have a feeling he would do wonders for me, and so I chose Matthew McConaughey.

I set the timer on the TV for 20 minutes, slipped under the cover, pressed start -adjusted the volume so that I could at least hear what he was saying, and rolled over on my fall-asleep-side.

The story began and I smiled. Yep, that’s was voice I was looking for. It knew right from the start it would knock me out, and it did. It works the same, each and every time. First I am highly amused about the fact that adult Bridget is listening to a bedtime story, then, after a few minutes when I start focusing on the story I can feel all other thoughts disappear.

There seems to be no room left for anything else in my brain but the story and the voice, which is guiding me toward dreamland. At one time I could hear a snore -which could not possibly have come from me. It must have been the dog but I felt too tired and too relaxed to find out, so I let it slip.

Soon I might get even more adventures Matthew and Nick will get competition. Who knows I might invite a woman to bed with me -or perhaps a couple.

It certainly beats snuggling with a teddy bear. Don’t you think?