I was born the day
I thought:
What is?
What was?
And
What if?
I was transformed the day
My ego shattered,
And all the superficial, material
Things that mattered
To me before,
Suddenly ceased
To matter.
I really came into being
The day I no longer cared about
What the world thought of me,
Only on my thoughts for
Changing the world.”
― Suzy Kassem
“Coming forth into the light”
I am not who people wanted me to be. Not by choice, but pushed into a different direction by life itself. I don’t fulfill people’s expectations of how I should be.
It started early at a young age. Not being raised by my parents made people feel sorry for me, and they made sure I knew about it. They mean so well, but each and every time I heard it, I wanted to scream. I was happy. Perhaps not the ideal family situation, but one that made me feel loved and cared for.
In 8th grade a girl made fun of the fact that I was raised by my Grandmother. The other girls, Boarders like me, who stayed in boarding school until the weekend, didn’t help me. I decided they all were not worth my while anymore, and I stopped talking to all of them for the rest of the school year. It didn’t bother me a bit, but it bothered them. Even the nuns noticed, but there was not much they could do. I didn’t do anything wrong, I just ignored everybody around me.
Instead, I made new friends, all of them Day Students, who went home after every school day. I got invited for sleep overs, which was very unique. Normally day students and boarders don’t mingle. I was the only Boarder who could leave school during the week, of course, with my Grandma’s approval. My life got enriched, with friendships that last to this day -even though we are oceans apart.
I never understood why people felt sorry for me. Why didn’t they ask questions instead, and got to know the circumstances better before they judged me and my life?
My home was my Grandmother’s farm, a place I loved so dearly and knew so well. My parents were out of the picture and it didn’t bother me a bit. I couldn’t have been more loved, yet it didn’t matter. A child has to have loving parents, society accepts anything less.
The truth is, there are many just like me. The perfect ideal family is often destroyed by divorce. Separated parents competing against each other. Or sadly often family is just an act played well in public. What happens behind closed doors is a different picture. A picture we don’t want to talk about -but should.
Years ago, at a meeting, a lady opened up and she said the same thing. “If you don’t fit into the raster of people’s expectations, they feel sorry for you and it stinks.” I laughed. I understood how she felt.
The day I no longer cared about
What the world thought of me
Why do we care what other people think anyway? And why do we care about their disapproval or prejudgment? Why do we try so hard to fit in, when we know we never will?
In the end, I stopped talking about my childhood altogether. Why bother talking about it, if it makes people sad, even though it shouldn’t? I don’t often write about it either.
I wish people would say, “Tell me more about your childhood,” or they would be curious, “That’s different. How did you manage and how did you feel?” And most of all, “Were you happy?” Screw the circumstances. Isn’t happiness what we all aim for? It’s it the first question we all should ask? Are we happy? Are you happy?
Being older know I understand better. People feel empathy. A child not loved by a mother, of course that’s a reason to feel sorry and they wanted to make sure that I know they feel with me.
I was one of the lucky ones. There are children in this world, who bounced around in a foster system, who don’t have a loving Grandma. Perhaps we should shed more light at the unwanted children. The ones who don’t fit in societies expectation. There are so many.
I have witnessed and seen the love of a mother when I watched others, and it’s surely something that I would have loved to know, but I didn’t.
You should see the smile on my face when I talk or write about my Grandmother. It’s a smile that I only have for her. It’s full of love, full of memories. A tender smile that nobody else deserves. Perhaps a woman’s smile who knew she was loved? A special smile in memory of a very special woman and a very special childhood.
A parent is whoever raises you… I have known people raised by single mothers, single dads, adopted parents and grandparents, they all have one thing in common – they are loved and cared for by their parent. You survive with love and caring no matter what relation (or not in the case of adoption). It sounds like you had a wonderful parent in your grandmother!
I think one of the ways you stand out as different, and perhaps create some discomfort in others, is that you convey a sense of peace about your past, highlighting the love and nurture of your grandmother, and just think about the way people complain about their lives! So many people have had a traditional upbringing and really never known much disruption in their young lives, yet still complain and go on about any and all challenges. I truly think it’s a good reminder to me to not assume of anyone that I understand their lives only using my empathy as a guide! Asking questions and wanting to learn from others makes sense. And as a grandmother who adores my grandchildren, I can believe your life was enriched and supported with her love. Your love and gratitude shines through.
Your Grandmother was clearly an able substitute. You gained so much which has contributed to your ability to offer such insightful honesty.
Well articulated Bridget. It must be very difficult for lots of children nowadays with all the complications of couples living together unmarried, siblings by different fathers, single parent families, two fathers or mothers, and all the myriad arrangements of modern living. Perhaps not! Maybe the children just get on with it and accept what is, and are happy. Perhaps it is the onlooker who finds it awkward. I like to think of myself as accepting all people as they are, but there are, without doubt, inbuilt prejudices and preconceptions.
You are a very wise man, Peter. I think we all have inbuilt prejudices and preconceptions. Some of us are aware of them, other don’t.
Thank you Bridget. I’m not always as wise as I’d wish to be!
I commend your honesty and I am truly you faced so many challenges in your childhood.
It was different, but special. I didn’t know it any other way and I feel blessed. I suppose challenges make us a bit stronger, or maybe more grateful.