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I have spent a lifetime saying ‘I am sorry’ until one day an older gentleman asked me to stop. “Stop being sorry all the time,” he said and I thought about it.
I have been starting sentences with “I am sorry” all my adult life. I often felt I was a bother or a burden, just because I was different or should I say I made myself believe that I was different because my life was?
From an early age, I felt that being sorry might make things easier and somehow it grew with me. I am not talking about the hushed ‘sorry’ when you need to go the bathroom in the middle of a movie and of course, your seat is in the middle of the row. No, I am talking about all these automatic times I used the word “sorry” without thinking.
“Sorry, but I think you are wrong.” What’s there to be sorry about. I have an opinion and I will share it politely with the one who is of course wrong. 🙂
“Sorry, but may I ask a question.” What am I sorry for? I have a question and most likely I am not the first one who asked one.
“Sorry, but could you please cut the lunch meat thinner.” Hello Pumpkin, you are the paying customer, you can ask friendly to have the cut adjusted to our liking. No reason to be sorry because my husband likes his lunchmeat thinner!
“Sorry, but I am sick.” Will I ever stop being sorry for my health issues? I am on a low-dose chemo drug. I have an autoimmune disorder. I eat healthy. I live a healthy lifestyle yet I am not feeling well sometimes. I am getting older. I survived menopause. Hello, I am allowed to not feel well once in a while. Stop apologizing, Bridget!
“Sorry, but I am completely booked.” What a piece of extra thick baloney is that? I am not sorry that I am booked months ahead because it means I am doing alright and my small business is a success. Do I apologize for making a living? Good grief, woman. Get real!
When I learned English, I used the phrase. ‘I beg your pardon’ which I love and not just because of the never promised rose garden in the song, but because I used the phrase wisely and only if an apology was really in order.
“I beg your pardon, I completely forgot your birthday and I feel like a moron.” An honest and heartfelt apology.
But somehow I gave up on the old-fashioned I beg your pardon. I wanted to sound more hip and from there I went to ‘Excuse me’, which I used smarter and in the way it was intended. “Excuse me” in a gathering if I wanted attention or had an inquiry.
“Excuse me, could you please let me through” at the airport when you are late again and your flight was already called twice.
Today, I use both forms “I beg your pardon” in the form it was intended, and “Excuse me” when something I need or want might be an inconvenience to others.
I am very seldom sorry!
Why?
Because, as the old gentlemen explained to me. Every time I started a sentence with “I am sorry….” I made myself a bit smaller and I set a negative tone. To be sorry all the time undermines self-worth and somehow apologies lose meaning.
So I am not sorry anymore 🙂
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Yes! I have heard this many times, and I often feel silly saying it at times.
I guess we all do without realizing it at first.
Love this post.
While living in the UK sorry is a part of my everyday life, but I agree that we need to say it only when it’s needed, instead of using it in every other sentence while conversing.
I am guilty of the sorry over use. I apologize for everything… now that you pointed out how wrong this is, I may have to rethink the way I speak. Great post!
You are in good company 🙂
I just stumbled across an ancient Hawaiian method to clear negativity which is wholly based on apologizing. As a Canadian, we are known to always utter “sorry”… So it was interesting to come across this Hoʻoponopono thing. Not sure I can so easily buy into it, but intriguing to learn about it nonetheless.
Oh, that sounds interesting.
Thought-provoking article… “I’m sorry”, “please forgive me”, “I apologize”… These are all expressions for me when I feel that I shouldn’t speak, or that I shouldn’t even open my mouth, but for some reason you have to. And having a say in something is just as distressing as not having a say.
At the same time, I avoid three words in personal dialogues or presentations, because of their generalizing and false atmosphere… They are: constantly, always, never.
These are almost “always” (so not always 🙂 keywords of human games (Eric Berne: Games People Play).
“Always” and “Never” are relationship killers. First rule for a happy marriage or relationship. Throw these words out of your vocabulary.
“Constantly” on the other hand, is one I don’t use because I have no use for it…so sorry 🙂
It’s good not to be sorry. The Universe is what it is… and “sorry” doesn’t change anything much. 😉
Wises words, wise words. 🙂
I think this phrase is imprinted on us as children and meant o preface a disappointing matter. I think there are lots of other ways to express that we can not do something because we are busy – (I can fit you in next…) when we want to say no – I can’t do that right now because, when we are sick – I am unable to do meet you next Saturday as I am unwell, when we want to have someone repeat something or when we are interrupting someone – Pardo Me. But, we all default to Sorry. As a Canadian, I know this better than anyone. Sorry, eh? Have a good Thursday Bridget. Allan
I used ‘I am sorry’ way too often and without thinking. I am glad I hit the breaks, but you are right, the phrase is imprinted in us.
Not sure about the Canadian “Sorry, eh” 🙂
A friend of mine used to say “Sorry?” when he didn’t hear something that was said. The first time I heard it I was totally confused. I’m still not quite sure why he was sorry or what he was sorry for!
It would have confused me too.
Being English I say sorry all the time; like apologising for getting in someone’s way when they are cycling on the pavement or looking at their phone and didn’t see you. If you have a middle seat in the theatre and nearly everyone is already sitting in that row, it will require you to say Sorry to every single person you have to squeeze by!
Shouldn’t it be “bloody sorry” just kidding.
The English are very polite which I love and it always sounds sincere.
Thank you for reading my post. I appreciate it.
Apologising for existing seems to be part of the language of our generation – well, the female half, at least! Great post, Bridget 🙂
You are right, it’s us the females who apologize all the time. Like we are sorry for our plain existence. Thanks, Ruth, great point.
I think when we use a word too much, it diminishes it’s value. I have seen people burst into tears and then say, “I’m sorry.” Why would anyone think they have to apologise for crying?
You nailed it. When we say it too often, then it doesn’t sound sincere anymore.
Yep, so many of us say sorry wayyy too much.
Thank you, Susan. I appreciate your comment.
The word I’d like to eliminate is “Really?!”
I drop something on the floor and make 3 attempts to pick it up. “Really?!”
I am driving along and I miss my exit. “Really.”
I need to find an important file that I stored in a very special place on my computer and I can’t remember where it is. “Really?”
I tend to have animosity toward inanimate objects. So if someone cuts me off in traffic, I am not disgorging epithets at the driver, I blame the car! So when I drop something, I’m mad at the thing I dropped and the floor for being so far away from my fingers. When I miss my exit, I’m mad at the sign, the road, and my car for not knowing ahead of time that I always take this route at this time of the day on Thursdays. When I can’t find my file, I blame the computer, the internet connection, and the keyboard.
And what am I expecting? That the dropped object would bounce? That my GPS would suddenly turn itself on and turn the car in time for me to make my exit? That my computer would ask me what file it is, and when I tell it, it replies, “OH YES, I saw that here in this little hidden corner I reserve for files I know that if I hide will drive you crazy.”
So yes, I’d like to eliminate the word, “really”, from my vocabulary.
Just make sure you are not sorry if you do 🙂
Important message, brilliant post!
Thank you, Jane. What a nice thing to say.
I think it’s OK to be sorry you’re booked, because you will be disappointing someone who wants to have you do something. You’re not sorry You’re busy, you’re sorry you can’t help a prospective customer.
I say other things now, like “Goodness, I am completely booked” and most customers understand. If you think about it, the doctors office (at least mine) never apologize if they can’t give you an appointment right away, neither does the hair salon. They just tell you when they have an opening and that’s pretty much what I do now as well.
If I go around wondering who I might disappoint, then I am back from where I started and I will be ‘sorry’ all the time. 🙂
I really said it too often.
Great evaluation and progressive thinking. Nice way to change how one thinks about self.
We are all a work in progress I suppose. 🙂
We are. And many of us do the same thing as you. And we grow by learning from others. I am glad someone helped you so that you can help others.
Bridget! Oh my goodness! This post hits home! I was told once, “Stop saying you’re sorry all the time!” Gulp. I’m sorry I’m not here more often, my friend. ;-). It was a hard habit to break. And the song? It’s in my playlist, too. Happy Thursday, my friend!
That’s pretty much was I was told too.
I always loved the song, it’s one of the golden oldies on my play list as well.
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