I Don’t Want To Have To Do It Anymore

“I still have to do laundry and prepare for dinner. I have to play ball with our dog Vader, quickly water the hanging plants outside, and feed the dogs,” and while I’m piling up the daily I-have-do-mountain in my head, old familiar feelings rise again.

It’s a mix of pitying myself and stubbornness because Having to doesn’t sound like fun. Having to is involuntary and above all, Having to is not wanting.

And then I remember that no one dictates these things to me – except me alone.

I remember when I was younger. I wanted ice cream. I wanted to rollerblade. I wanted to cut the grass with the old lawnmower. I wanted to help in the barn. The word “must” did not exist in my vocabulary. When I was a child I strictly lived according to the pleasure principle. ‘Wanting’ was my word for joy, freedom, and fun. The ultimate life on the sunny side, where needs come first. Fast forward forty years and my life was dictated by ‘I-have-to’.

I want to vs I have to

The difference is not made by the one verb. The difference is the mood that arises from it. “Having to” makes you tired in the long run, you feel remote-controlled and empty in your head. “I must” is often used to replace “I have to” which is like a corset. “Must” is dull dreary grey-brown. “Want” on the other hand, makes you curious, and awake, and spurs you on. “Want” is a summer-light maxi dress. “Want” is a confetti rainbow -colorful.

“Will you come with me for a coffee in the sun,” my neighbor asked, the steaming cups already in her hand. My answer to this is a classic to despair: “Actually, I’d like to, but I still have to make a few phone calls, I also have to go shopping and do yoga. Maybe later.”

It’s a mystery to me why I always opt for muddy must-do instead of cloud-light volition. I don’t want to have to do it anymore.

I am standing in my own way

It is in my own hands. Why not consistently replace ‘have to’ and ‘must do’ with ‘wanting’? Words are powerful. Words create facts. Words move me.

While I’m at it, I might as well delete the words “fast” and “short”. Because most of the time I not only dictate to myself what I have to do – but it also has to be fast. In other words, I don’t just force myself to do things all the time, I also stress myself out due to self-made time pressure.

Apart from the fact that on top of that, I constantly “have to” do things that I could want so much better. I love yoga, it’s good for me. I cherish playing with the dogs because it’s our best hour of the day. I enjoy watering the garden because it’s my green meditation.

But if I introduce all this mentally and verbally with “must” or “have”, the fun factor drop is almost sucked.

Somehow I have managed to turn a matter of the heart into a sober matter of the head. One less thing for the feel-good account, one more for the constantly growing to-do list, which overwhelms me with its complexity already.

It’s not that I don’t know what I want when someone asks me. I finally want to take a vacation again. I want to have a good winter. I want to mingle more. I really want all of that – but, I have to do a few more urgent things first. Like washing up. Or fold laundry. Completely absurd, isn’t it?

So, I have to call it a day now. I really have to, because I want to enjoy a cup of tea in the late summer sun. And then I want to take a yoga break. Sounds better, doesn’t it…?

I need to want more?

I am not sure if it will work but I (have to) want to give it a try.