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A couple gets married and receives a ham as a gift from a nearby farmer. The young wife cuts off both ends of the ham and puts them in a container.
The young husband watches her and asks: “Why are you cutting off the edges?”
“That’s how you do it, ask my mother!”
The young husband asks his mother-in-law and she also confirms that this is how it’s done. He then asks his wife’s grandmother and she also ensures him that this is how she has always done it.
The great-grandmother is still alive, so he asks her too. Her laughing answer:
“We received a ham as a wedding present that was so big, it didn’t fit in any of my containers so I simply cut off the ends to make it fit.”
There is a lot to be learned from this story and I agree with the German composer Gustav Mahler who said:
“Tradition is not the worship of ashes, but the preservation (fanning) of fire.”
“Worshipping and guarding the ashes” represents clinging to outdated practices without any meaningful application. This quote is often interpreted as a call to conserve the spirit of a tradition, rather than simply following.
I learned a valuable lesson from my mother-in-law. It’s one of the few secrets only she and I shared and with that she made me feel welcome and accepted in the inner circle of the family I had just married into.
Every Christmas evening she cooked a big fish, mostly carp, and she served it “Florentine style” on a bed of julienned, cooked vegetables. My grandma had a similar recipe and after a few very tiny bites of the ‘stinking’ fish, I already knew as a child that I would rather die than eat any of it. Of course that was the overly dramatic reaction of an eight-year-old girl and my grandma, who was strict but never cruel, insisted that I tried to eat it, but when she saw my face and my long teeth (yes, teeth grow longer when you try to eat something that you don’t like at all) she let me skip the fish.
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When I saw what my mother-in-law had served, I debated inside and when dinner was served I asked if I could get up. When she asked me why, I answered truthfully and she gave me a long look. Then she smiled and went into the kitchen. I felt very uncomfortable, even my husband showed his disapproval clearly and when my mother-in-law returned to the table, she handed me a plate with leftovers from the night before. I thanked her and enjoyed my meal, but didn’t look up again during dinner.
The next day when she and I were doing the dishes, she pointed through the wall to the living room, where the rest of the family was sitting. “Neither one of them likes the fish, they all hate it but I make it every year and I laugh inside watching them. Good for you for speaking up.”
She made the same ‘fishy’ Christmas dinner for as long as she lived and every year she made something extra for me. She often winked at me during the meal and we both tried hard to hold back laughter. I know that my husband didn’t like the fish either, and the way they all looked at my special meal every year made me think she was right. They all hated the fish.
I am not against family traditions but I have to admit I don’t have any. We have a mix of very nice holiday traditions, and we cherish some of the old recipes we still cook and eat to this day.
When we lost everything, that’s when we realized that many of our family traditions were just a security blanket. When you can’t afford to follow the old cherished traditions, may it be the Christmas fish or the Christmas cookies you grew up with, or a fresh-cut branch for St. Barbara’s Day, you are forced to let go and it’s a scary moment.
At first, we felt almost worthless. “Surely our dead family members would understand why we couldn’t follow their routines and traditions,” but still, we felt guilty
And then we let go – all of it, even the ones we had created in our time together.
Some people vote for a party because it’s the way the family has always voted. Some women and men still today want younger generations to live the same way they did, even though times have changed.
Holding on to a tradition or belief just to hold on to something we know because we are afraid of what might happen if we let go and allow it to evolve is actually a cowardly way of living. Such blind loyalty stagnates growth and improvement in society and, more importantly, in ourselves and our relationships.
So, to answer today’s question: “I don’t have a favorite family tradition.” Or maybe not eating the fish counts as such? Now you got me thinking.
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interesting stories. I don’t really understand why your mother in law served the fish she knew her family hated every year. Did you ever ask her why she did it?
I did ask her. It was the Christmas eve dish she had grown up with. I think over the years she enjoyed knowing that everybody hated it but neither one of her kids or her husband spoke up. 🙂
I had never heard the ham story before… now I am thinking of all the ways I cook just like mom or dad because that is how it’s done. Your mother-in-law sounds like a great woman. A very interesting post, Bridget. Truly has me thinking.
I always loved that story because it does make us all rethink some of the things we do. I am glad you liked it too.
Your mother-in-law was a very wise, and seemingly very kind person. How wonderful that you had the time with her to develop a relationship and to learn from her. I don’t know that we have that many hard and fast traditions but we probably have patterns of thought and behaviors that might qualify. I agree with your position, though, I really do. For one thing, I don’t want younger generations to be saddled with layers of tradition that no longer work to support healthy change. Very thought provoking post, Bridget. You’ve got me thinking, too! 😉
My mother-in law, her name was Charlotte, was a very interesting woman. I need to write about her more often.
It’s so good to see you in my reader. I think about you often.
Thank you so much, Bridget. I am so appreciative. I’ve felt very “untethered” for a while, but I have missed my blogging friends too! And yes share about Charlotte. She sounds special.
This is my first time hearing it this story, and I think it’s great. Love it!
I’ve heard the “ham” story, although I heard it with a beef roast (probably because I am Jewish and ham isn’t kosher). It’s a good reminder to go back to the source instead of doing things blindly for the sake of it.
That ham story was great! There are many lessons to learn here. 🙂
Good lessons here
No traditions here,though if someone served me that fish I’d start a new tradition of being vegan.
LOL Thanks for the laugh
Delightful, Bridget! 🥰
Thank you, Victoria. I am glad you liked it.
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I’m familiar with the “ham” story. It’s so easy to understand how that could happen. Apparently, it was more important to your dear mother-in-law that her son married an honest woman. She didn’t care whether you liked nasty bottom-feeding fish. 🙂
I love fish and seafood but carp is just a very fatty fish. As for nasty bottom-feeding fish, don’t tell anybody that I eat catfish.
I find the ‘ham’ story very interesting. Thank you, Nancy.
Bridget, you are a wise lady. I hope many people have told you that!
No, people normally don’t consider me as wise. I have heard the word ‘smart’ and once or twice ‘intelligent’ was thrown in my direction. Interesting enough the word ‘smart’ often comes for the word ‘ass’. 🙂
beautifully written!!!
Thank you, Mila.
I love your take on this! It’s hard to let go of traditions, I completely agree! Also, that fish story is great! I had a mother-in-law that would probably do the same thing. I’m glad you had a good one too!
She was a remarkable woman and I was very fortunate to have her in my life.
When my daughter was visiting she offered to peel the vegetables for dinner and to my astonishment sat down with a bowl of dry vegetables. I did not know you could peel vegetables dry, I thought you HAD to put them in a bowl of water! I messaged my sister in Australia to ask how she peeled her veg – yes in water like our mother did.
How cute is that. We do so many things without thinking. I remember my grandma ‘marking’ every loaf of fresh bread on the bottom, before she cut into it for the first time. So I made some cuts on the bottom as well. When she asked me what I did, I told her that I had marked the bread. She then explained to me that she carved a small star in each loaf. She was half-Jewish, so it was the David star a form of blessing the bread. We copy so many things and behaviors without thinking, like cutting the vegetables in water, which my grandma did as well. 🙂