Am I an Author or an Impostor?

Every time someone calls me an author, I tense up. I can feel it in my shoulders. I purse my lips, and the wrinkles on my forehead grow deeper when I frown. “I wish they would stop calling me that,” a voice inside me whispers.

Hemingway is an author, Rosamunde Pilcher, Kristin Hannah, and Stephen King, so many famous names come to mind. I don’t deserve to be in this category. Wouldn’t all of them laugh at me?

My books are self-published, perhaps always will be because I am in my early 60s, and I don’t have time to wait a couple of years, nor do I have the patience to approach numerous literary agents. I suppose this would be different if I were still in my 30s or 40s.

Book number two is in the making. I titled it “After Losing it All.” The sequel to my first book, and the true story about how we bounced back after we lost almost everything. “Losing it All” is now a series. It humours me, it humbles me.

Being a writer is an emotional roller coaster: it is a mixture of deep creative fulfillment, flow, and freedom, but also there are moments of self-doubt, isolation, and endless patience. My writing process ranges from the euphoric discovery of new worlds to the disciplined, often difficult craft of writing. My neighbor is now a writer too; she used AI to write a children’s book. I read it. I hated it. I smiled. It’s not my job to burst her bubble.

But knowing that so many are letting AI do the work now makes me feel like a muppet, a bit like I am running behind a train that has already left the station. Will I be left behind?

I played around with AI and have now the following (new) paragraph in my books (See! Plural! Oh, wow, it’s humbling):

This book was written by me. It’s the result of blogging and journaling—a wild ride through thoughts, confusion, memories, and discoveries. It’s my journey. It’s our story. It’s the dog’s story.

AI was used to correct spelling and punctuation because I tend to use both like confetti, but this book is still very much me—humanly human. My editor is human too, she loves vanilla coffee and cakes.

Finding the time to narrate and write my second book has been a challenge. But finally, I have found a rhythm that works. For one hour a day, I write, edit, or record. I call it me-time now, because it is.

The life of a hobby writer can be divided into different emotional phases:

1. The first stage: The euphoria of creation

Boundless freedom: You feel like a goddess sharing your world and part of your life. Anything seems possible.

The “flow” state: In the best moments, you forget time and space. The words seem to flow effortlessly from your fingers, and you become completely immersed in your own story. You time-travel in your mind.

2. The second stage: The agony of craftsmanship

The inner critic: After the initial excitement comes disillusionment. The written sentences seem wooden; there is no flow. You start to feel overwhelmed and strongly doubt your own talent.

Discipline and doubt: Writing is hard work. It requires perseverance to sit down at the desk, even on bad days when the spark is missing. The fear of the so-called “blank page,” the terrifying thought that the story will not resonate with readers, is a constant companion. In my case, it’s worse. If they don’t connect, it means our lives are not worth writing about.

3. The third stage: Publication and response

Vulnerability: Presenting your own work—in my case, a very personal project—to the world, to friends, beta readers, and strangers requires enormous courage. You feel exposed and subject to critical scrutiny.

Emotional highs and lows: The first positive feedback or review is an intoxicating rush of validation. Negative criticism, on the other hand, can feel like a personal slap in the face. I have been slapped!

Typical mental states

Loneliness: Writing is a solitary activity. You spend many hours alone in your head and in your own worlds of thought.

Still, I am doing it, and for the most part, I am enjoying it. Sometimes I write in German and translate my own words into English, which is a fun exercise. My native language: That’s where all the words come from. Perhaps it’s logical?

I am not writing for fame or glory, not for success or money. I am writing because I am now a keyboard addict. Maybe I had too much going on in my head, and it had to come out somehow.

This weekend, my eBook is 99 cents. I will earn 30 cents per book. I feel like an old prostitute who is offering her service for cheap on a street corner because, well, nobody really wants her, yet she refuses to accept it. Does it sound harsh? Yes, perhaps, but it’s the truth.

But somehow it’s fun. It’s a hobby, an obsession, an inner drive.

Goodness, blogging has changed my life, and I have willingly let it happen.

Look: Book 1 of 2…I am a series 😉❤️

Oh, guess what? Alexandra Lynn is getting scam and sales calls now, too, which I find very amusing. My pen name and my phone number have been given to third parties. I wonder who did it?