…
“And still, after all this time,
The sun never says to the earth,
“You owe Me.”
Look what happens with
A love like that,
It lights the Whole Sky.”
― Hafiz
I want to say I owe nothing to anybody, but the truth is I owe everything to some.
However, the people I think I owe everything to would politely disagree. Whatever they gave me, material things, advice, a shoulder to cry and laugh on, or the love and care that so often came unexpectedly out of nowhere, it was given freely without strings attached.
The strings we see, are mostly not even there. We make them up in our minds because we have never learned to receive kindness or a present.
Giving, and lending a helping hand, is a heartfelt gesture that DOES NOT post itself somehow on social media, but instead usually tries to stay anonymous.
Taking and accepting help in any form or way is as complicated as giving. We feel vulnerable when we are in need or could use some help, we feel uncomfortable when we receive. Human beings are complicated. The most honest and heartfelt gesture is often pushed away because of false pride. We feel weak when we should be grateful. We feel we owe, when we should be feeling pure joy.
Why does nobody teach us how to do this?
Just the other day, at an event that helped women in need to get bras and feminine hygiene products, I felt helpless again. I saw a young woman with big feet, just like mine. I had just cleaned out my closet, and many of the shoes I once thought I could not live without, are now resting in a box waiting to find new owners.
I am a tight size 10, or a comfortable size 11 -which I would never admit- and I can spot ladies with hobbit feet like mine blindfolded a mile away.
Should I just go there and tell her, “Hey, I think you wear my shoe size, I have a mountain of shoes for you,” or would that offend her? After all, even though the shoes look new, they have been worn a few times, or hardly at all, like the high heels, which were a protest buy toward my age and my need to feel comfortable.
How about I make it look like she does me a favor, which is not so far stretched.
“Can I ask you a question? Could you use some nice shoes in size 11, or do you know anybody who would like to have them? I don’t want to give them to a resale shop so that someone buys them for cheap just to resell them.”
Which one is the right approach?
Just recently I had just offended someone when I offered to share a streaming service. What I had meant nice, had been denied by the one I thought would like my offer. I felt so ashamed afterward. I have been there myself and have reacted the same way.
When will I ever learn to see the fine line?
I wish I could print a flyer:
Look! I owe some everything but they don’t need or want it back.
I try to pay my dues to the universe, please let me help you, it would help me!
I had to learn to accept a gift -it took years- but now I can. I can sit still, unwrap a present that was given to me and enjoy it. Sometimes now I can even joke and tell my friends, “If you think you get something that nice from me, you are wrong.”
Most of them know me. I am a fear to reckon with when it comes to finding presents for the people I love and/or care for but that’s a story for another time.
Giving and receiving, is such a fine art, perhaps someone with big feet like mine was meant to trample around a bit. 🙂
Certainly not, but it may bring joy to someone else. I told the elderly lady who have me the clothes, that although the clothing was well cared for and quite lovely, I would not wear it. And asked if it would be okay if I deposited it at a local thrift shop where needy families are given the opportunity to buy things for a dollar?
It’s like getting a fruitcake (common here in the US for xmas) you better say “no” or you get it every year. 🙂
Oh yes I can imagine.
How we give and revive gifts is so utterly individual and variable. My mother raised me believing that gifts were to be reciprocated in an exact and even way. She never gave gifts voluntarily without expecting something equivalent in return and would give gifts to people she didn’t like if they gave her something because of this misguided belief in reciprocation. I no longer subscribe to this philosophy and to me a gift is completely unconditional otherwise it is not a gift. Recently I gave an elderly lady several pieces of clothing that when you or slightly worn as I had grown out of them I thought she might like them. She had to reciprocate for the two shirts I gave her. She gave me two three piece suits three shirts and a jumper in return. She didn’t fit them anymore
Well…..did the tow three piece suits and the jumper bring you joy?
You are very astute to have such sensitivity in the art of giving and receiving. I don’t know that I’m every really sure that I have any special sensitivity, but I have been taught a few things by others that have at least reminded me to think about how the other person might experience an offer of help. Years ago I was volunteering at a shelter and it was brought to my attention by my supervisor that some individuals wouldn’t accept help on the first, or even second or third offer. Her explanation to me was that for some, the only control they had over anything in their lives was being what to someone else might be interpreted as “difficult.” I love your sensitivity, Bridget, and it is so important for us all to listen to what you have to say.
“The only control they had over anything in their lives was being difficult or complicated.” Wow that is food for thoughts. I have been on the receiving end and I am now again on the giving end, with the knowledge how it feels on the other side, it’s so much easier to be sensitive. I have an advantage 🙂
There is a risk in offering, but if our intentions are good and offered with kindness, is it really our responsibility how someone reacts? My daughter wears a size 10 or 11 shoe. I was recently thinking she has sturdy hobbit feet.
“Sturdy hobbit feet” how funny. I assume she is tall as well (because we tall women have hobbit feet.)
I think she’s about 5’8 which was my height until I started slowly shrinking. But I just wear a size 8. She has a paternal aunt with Hobbit feet. Thinking of it like that, I’m a bit jealous.
I love your attitude!
Thank you and Welcome to my little blog.
It is a challenge to graciously accept gifts for whatever reason they are given without evening the score. But the greatest gifts aren’t purchased or made. Reciprocating by helping others, loving others, and forgiving others can erase guilt. When I have good intentions of giving away something someone else may be able to use, I go for it! If they’re not interested, I ask someone else.
“I go for it!” That’s the right attitude.
Learning to give freely and receive graciously can be difficult for many. We still have to keep trying. Have a great Monday. Allan
Have a great week, Allan. Thank you for stopping by.
When I give I give because I want to, I don’t want anything in return. People who know me know this. True Giving is a choice without expectation. Humans are so complicated, I agree.
Sadly, we make it more complicated. All the expectation we have, the rituals and habits, the moral codes, our upbringing and all the rules we learned from our parents and grandparents.
Absolutely agree.
Wonderful thoughts!
Thank you, Rebecca.
An important post. If we don’t know how to receive we deprive others of giving
That’s an interesting thought. We deprive others of giving.
Well said.
We have always passed things on to charity (thrift) shops but have recently advertised items to gift via a local free recycle site. It’s a bit of a dilemma because that way we hope someone in need gets a useful item for nothing, whereas using that method deprives the charity of a small donation. There is also the fact that some people are known to accept free recycle items and then sell them on to others!
I hear you on the dilemma. I learned my lesson when I sold something for an ‘apple’ and saw it listed a few days later for so much more.
It makes it completely reprehensible when people effectively steal from the poor!
It’s a character thing but my husband and I did something similar ones. It happened in Memphis you will read about it soon.
While this act might seem initially unethical or immoral, perhaps the receiver needed funds for something important like medication and sold the thing of value that you gave for free as a way to source the money?
Amanda, we are too much alike, which is good to know. I am not the only one who always (wants) to see the good in people. 🙂
Yes good to know. But I wasn’t always a glass-half full person. But it is way less stressful and kinder to be so, don’t you think?
I am not sure, but I assume in my case it was kind of self-defense first and then it became part of who I am. Perhaps one has to get a glimpse of the darkness first, to search for the silver lining?
Getting a glimpse of the negative side and slowly realising that only begets more negativity is certainly reasons for turning to the bright side of life. It was a journey to get here, but a fruitful one.
We are, indeed, complex creatures when it comes to giving and receiving, due to the transactional nature of society.
So true. I have been on both sides and I haven’t done too well myself. It’s complicated or perhaps we just make it complicated because of the reactions we witnessed on others.
So odd that you wrote this today. Just last night, I was thinking about the New England tradition of always keeping the gifting scales level. If a neighbor brings you a jar of honey, you almost immediately “repay” with a jar of jam or some fresh-baked cookies. It’s like there is this stubbornness about just getting a gift and saying thank you and leaving it at that. Instead, we offer up something back in the name of kindness, but really it is just to keep those scales even, so we are not beholding I guess. Funny creatures we are!
I lived by the moral code of the ‘Gifting Scale’ almost all my life. While there is nothing really wrong with it, everything is wrong with it at the same time.
We hate the feeling of owing, that’s why we return ‘the favor’ to make sure nobody can accuse of us being takers -not givers.
We are indeed funny creatures. 🙂
Yes, that is a very interesting observation. I say to my wife that she should not worry about returning favours just because someone in generous to you.
We do need to give as that is part of life and we and others will be the poorer if we don’t, but we need to learn that we give as we can rather than as we feel we must. But we must give freely otherwise it is not real love.
And there can be more important ‘things’ to give such as one’s time to listen and that cannot be quantified.
It has been said that it is more blessed to give that to receive, but receiving thankfully when one is given something is part of that.
I have said to myself and others there is as much a need to give as to receive and in receiving thankfully you are meeting the givers need.
Beautifully said! I kow sometimes when I’ve done something for someone and very soon after there is a reciprocation, it feels as though the nice thought or action was balanced out, almost removed now that the scales are even. I think two very difficult things to learn is to receive with grace, and also to ask for help when it is needed, a whole different thread!
Both difficult things to learn. Perhaps asking for help is the most difficult one.
Siluet reality?
Not sure what you are tying to say.