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I don’t know why I said it but I assume it has been on my mind and every year the voice inside me got louder. “I need to fix this!”
Tag: <span>anxiety</span>
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Is it the world’s goal to overwhelm me?
If so, world, then you have succeeded.
I am officially drained, overpowered by life.
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As if all muscles were immersed in acid. Like the moment when you step into the void on a staircase in the dark, like a fall into the depths, only inside. Like tiredness that soaks the air. Like “Run!”, but you don’t know where to go, there’s nothing you could or want to run to, and besides, you’re too weak for that. Like a deep moan between the hectic breaths, like a need to sit down now that doesn’t stop, even if you’ve been sitting down for a long time.
I am not in the best of moods, to be honest, I am upset, grumpy, and sad, a bit confused as well. I don’t like to feel that way, it’s not how I normally am. I still laugh and I joke around, but it’s half-heartedly at the moment and that’s alright.
It was the end of April in 2010, and we had big plans for the coming weekend. We needed to make it only through another week, then my husband would get paid again. We had $80 left to spend, the fridge and freezer were still nicely stocked, and we only needed a few fresh groceries to make it to the coming week.
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There was a time in my life, when I thought about the past a lot. I sat there for hours, days and weeks, trying to find the answers to all the questions that I had. I wanted answers and explanations about many things that had happened in my life, but most of all about my parents. I was convinced that many things would be different, if my past would have been different.